Wednesday, April 22, 2009

School Ties

Cascade College. There is a heavy sigh that follows those two words for me. When I was in highschool I swore up and down that I would never ever ever go there. God had a different plan in mind. It is emotional and uncomfortable for me to reminisce about my time there. While I am so grateful that I met my amazing husband there and that I made a couple life long friends I am embarassed at how lackadaisical I was after my sophomore year. I made a dumb decision and it felt like so many regarded me as they would a leper. Heaven forbid...well, this is not the tangent I intended to follow. Regardless of how people treated me - for real or perceived from my end - I did not give my college experience the respect that it deserved. For that matter - I didn't give it the respect that I deserved. I should have taken advantage of being in this close-knit community of believers to help my faith have a foundation of its own. I love my life now and I wouldn't change the outcome for anything, but there are times when I wish I had not been so caught up in my budding romance with my fabulous husband that I ditched class too many times to count and lost the respect of some of my professors. I realized a lot about myself during those years - some not so great things. I realized I am a surface learner. I have a difficult time coming up with ideas of my own. Give me material to memorize and I am golden. Give me a movie that perhaps could have spiritual undertones and ask me to relate it to a situation in my walk with Christ and I am lost. During college I tried placing the blame away from me, and even until today I think I have blamed the way people reacted to my early mistakes for why I gave up in a sense. Well today I am taking responsibility. I made mistakes and poor choices and didn't take appropriate advantage of a great opportunity. Thank you Father for opening my eyes and helping me let go.

This is not a self-pitying post. I just needed a venue to get my thoughts out of my head - even if just momentarily. I feel like maybe if I put them out there, I may feel some sort of relief from the guilt. Who knows. Regardless of it all, I have been blessed. I am so fortunate to have a husband who loves and cares for me; a son who has us wrapped around his little finger; and a network of friends and family that help us get through life's ups and downs.

Prayer

As I was looking for encouragement this morning I found these words on a friend of a friend's blog that described last night perfectly.

"As I fell asleep that night, I was sad, depressed, and confused, yet at the same time, hopeful. Hopeful because I believe in a God that hears the prayers of His people and is faithful in caring for His flock. Hopeful, because I know that I can't fix it, but HE CAN. Hopeful, because when Satan attacks, GOD remains more powerful!"

Thank you Abba for hearing our prayers and holding us close.

Friday, April 17, 2009

There is definitely something that changes within your spirit when you become a mother. You are suddenly connected to this little person in ways you never could have imagined. His laughter fills me with joy to my core. His cry gets to my heart the way no other cry can. Here are some of my favorite things about my Benjamin Quinn. The way he sticks out his tongue and scrunches his eyebrows when he is really focused on getting something done. The way he squats and side steps when he thinks he is being sneaky. The way he grabs my face in his chubby little hands and kisses me with a drooly snotty face. The way he desperately wants to do everything his daddy does. The way he tries to sign "I love you" and isn't even close but you know he is trying his hardest. And his dimples...he has 2 regular cheek dimples, a chin dimple, a high cheek dimple and a dimple on each shoulder! I LOVE HIS DIMPLES!

Monday, April 13, 2009