Wednesday, April 22, 2009

School Ties

Cascade College. There is a heavy sigh that follows those two words for me. When I was in highschool I swore up and down that I would never ever ever go there. God had a different plan in mind. It is emotional and uncomfortable for me to reminisce about my time there. While I am so grateful that I met my amazing husband there and that I made a couple life long friends I am embarassed at how lackadaisical I was after my sophomore year. I made a dumb decision and it felt like so many regarded me as they would a leper. Heaven forbid...well, this is not the tangent I intended to follow. Regardless of how people treated me - for real or perceived from my end - I did not give my college experience the respect that it deserved. For that matter - I didn't give it the respect that I deserved. I should have taken advantage of being in this close-knit community of believers to help my faith have a foundation of its own. I love my life now and I wouldn't change the outcome for anything, but there are times when I wish I had not been so caught up in my budding romance with my fabulous husband that I ditched class too many times to count and lost the respect of some of my professors. I realized a lot about myself during those years - some not so great things. I realized I am a surface learner. I have a difficult time coming up with ideas of my own. Give me material to memorize and I am golden. Give me a movie that perhaps could have spiritual undertones and ask me to relate it to a situation in my walk with Christ and I am lost. During college I tried placing the blame away from me, and even until today I think I have blamed the way people reacted to my early mistakes for why I gave up in a sense. Well today I am taking responsibility. I made mistakes and poor choices and didn't take appropriate advantage of a great opportunity. Thank you Father for opening my eyes and helping me let go.

This is not a self-pitying post. I just needed a venue to get my thoughts out of my head - even if just momentarily. I feel like maybe if I put them out there, I may feel some sort of relief from the guilt. Who knows. Regardless of it all, I have been blessed. I am so fortunate to have a husband who loves and cares for me; a son who has us wrapped around his little finger; and a network of friends and family that help us get through life's ups and downs.

3 comments:

Jennifer @ JenniferDukesLee.com said...

Writing is so healing, but it can take courage to share it publicly. Way to go, girl! Doesn't it feel good to let it out a bit?

Thank you for stopping by my blog. And I'm so delighted to have stopped here. I read your profile, and see you live in/around Sacramento. I lived there one summer, as a news intern for the Sacramento Bee. Great experience ...

Warren Baldwin said...

I linked here from Jennifer's blog (Getting Down with Jesus), intrigued by your blog title. Then, I saw you went to Cascade College! I didn't got there, but preached in Cody, WY for a number of years and knew students from Wyoming who went there. (Did you know any of the Hill boys from Powell?)

Anyway, the closing of the school is sad. It sounds like some of your experiences in college may not have been great, but you are learning from them, and that is what college is all about!

Good post. If you get a chance, please visit Family Fountain (my blog).

Amy Redelsperger said...

Jess, blessings come as we give ourselves over to grace. Thanks for sharing! I love you sister!